How-To Keep a Lover

First published in the Santa Barbara Sentinel under the pen name, Elizabeth Rose.


You’ve found yourself in a situation that pretty much rules: having a lover.

A lover equals obtaining sex on the regular (on your watch) without the baggage of a relationship.

This is ideal for a woman playing the field to meet carnal needs.

It can be easy if you play your cards right.

Just remember to K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple, Stupid!).

According to scientific evidence (read: women’s lifestyle magazines, a handful of female friends, and several Internet articles), professional, single women incur an increased sexual desire in their 30s.

It makes sense if you think about it.

At this point, the majority of women have accepted their bodies, have become more confident, and are able to use the gorgeous female form in the way nature intended.

On the flip side, according to some, it’s our body’s way of preparing for procreation – being “sexually charged” during this time in life guides women in the direction of making babies.

So, there’s that.

Most importantly, having a lover means you’ll learn a lot about your sexual self in the process.

The bonus is having fun stories to tell your girlfriends over coffee or happy hour.

The following is a guide that may help when keeping a lover. (Please interchange “him” with “her” as it applies to your situation.)

This is not the “bible” of intentional-yet-casual sex, just a few tips to consider on your way to Loverville:

1. He must be sexy, preferably with an accent, and leaving town in a foreseeable future.

English as a second language is ideal.

Accents are hot (duh) and the fact that this interaction has an expiration date only makes it more intriguing.

Time is a tickin’ and so is your libido.

2. He will ask you out on a date.


This is the “interview” portion.

Scope him out and size him up.

By the end of the date, you will know if he wins the grand prize of your time.

But then…

3. Go to the beach.

The beach is basically foreplay since everyone is semi-naked.

And since the majority of the Santa Barbara population lives relatively close to shore, a quick visit to your house (and shower) isn’t too far off.

The beach and bedroom are the preferable areas of recreation. 

4. Do not introduce your lover to friends.

What’s the point?

5. Do not, I repeat, do not take yourself off the market.

You are very much in the game and this is a pretty safe way to date.

You’re not sleeping around with everyone you go out with, just one person.

You just happen to be having your cake and eating it, too.

This may sound a bit heartless but that’s the point.

You’ve both agreed on this arrangement so you do not have to feel guilty.

You just have to feel satisfied, sexually.

Every. Time.

6. Have an extra toothbrush available.

This is essential, as morning breath is a gift from the Devil himself to sabotage a good stroll-down-memory-lane from last night’s tryst.

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

It’s not all roses. A sacrifice you may make is interruptions in your normal sleep schedule.

Your partner may toss and turn at night, and this may piss you off.

Just breathe and realize this isn’t going to last forever (he does have a one-way ticket back to wherever he’s from). 

So please, whatever you do, enjoy yourself and take advantage of the situation (safely, of course).

You do not know if or when this may happen again.

Every girl deserves this experience to write down in her single-life history book.

How fun it will be to look back in years to come with a big, gratified smile knowing that you were young once and took advantage of your single-gal opportunities.

Want to meet the fellow who inspired this piece? Oh shiz, here he is! 

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  1. The article was instead catching and intriguing enough to get all possible nuances to recall. I do enjoy reading the material and writing mode. I advise you to write articles daily to give the audience like me all of the essential information. In my view, it is much better to be prepared for all the unexpected scenarios beforehand, so thanks, it was pretty cool.

    • Hi Audrey,

      Thank you so much for reading! I actually have written the I Heart column for 5 years now and although many of the stories can be read alone, it has been written a consistent thread of my life from single to now engaged. Every story is cataloged by year, which you can find in the pull-down menu above if you want to deep dive. Regardless, I appreciate you being here and thanks for the feedback!