WTF: When a Friend Flirts with Your Man

Published in the Santa Barbara Sentinel under the pen name, Elizabeth Rose. Chris is known as “Jason” in the I Heart stories.

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. One of my best friends blatantly flirting with my man right in front of me. It’s true, Skye’s personality leans toward the flirtatious side but I’m wise to her intentions. In the past, she’s played the alpha dog roll with me around men, always butting in for attention when it was directed my way. I’d usually let her take the lead mainly because A) I had “no game,” B) was super shy, and C) felt that if she was trying that hard to get noticed she must really need the attention.

But that was years ago when we were both single. Before her second marriage and two step-children. And now it was happening with Jason, my first serious adult relationship. I could expect this behavior from a drunk stranger, but not someone who I call a friend.

What Happened To Girl Code?

It was Halloween night. Jason and I planned to pick up Skye for dinner and dancing at an underground club. My family and I left town after I graduated from high school, and since Skye and I no longer live near each other, I was excited to show Jason where I lived and one of my all-time favorite people.

Around seven in the evening, Jason and I pull up to Skye’s house. She waived from her front porch then walked down to meet us. I jumped out of the car to give her a hug and Jason got out and followed behind.

“Skye, this is Jason. Jason, this is Skye! I’m so glad y’all are finally meeting!”.

They shook hands and she sort of lingered, as if her brain needed time to take in his beauty. I saw her body crumble like a girl meeting her Hollywood crush. Jason is hot, I’ll admit, and I pretty much reacted the same way when he and I first met. So I just kinda laughed it off as we piled into the car to head downtown.

As we waited for a table, Jason checked the time on his phone. Skye leaned over and noticed his background image was a picture from his last adventure in Greece.

“You’ve been to Mykonos?! You’re my hero!”

She then walks over and gives him a giant hug, wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her head at the center of his chest. My blood started to boil, but I told myself I was overreacting. Jason didn’t respond to her behavior and politely patted her on the back, totally unaware, the way dudes tend to be.

Am I being crazy?

As the night went on, it kept going! She even plated his food when the appetizers came and dismissed me when I’d give her compliments on her family life and job. “Whatever,” she said with the wave of her hand. I held it together like a lady, but it took everything in me not to flip the table. After dinner, we headed to the bar next door. Luckily, we ran into mutual friends, and she disappeared through the crowd. Soon after, Jason and I headed to the dance floor.

The next morning I woke up pissed and hurt, but part of me couldn’t help but feel bad for Skye. She’s obviously in a bad place in her life to acting this way, so I tried to find compassion and be the bigger person.

We stopped by her house to say bye on our way out of town. I was still sort of shocked by the whole thing and should have said something then, but I didn’t. I beat myself up for months afterward, wishing I would have confronted her but felt now it was too late to bring it up. I recently visited my family, who lives about three hours from Skye, and decided it was time to confront her face-to-face to clear my conscience. I tried to arrange lunch with her before I left, but we couldn’t find the time. It took me over a year to finally tell her how I felt, and it was awkward, to say the least. On New Year’s Eve of the following year from this event, Jason and I were anchored on our sailboat in remote Bahia Santa Maria in Baja, Mexico. And there was no way I could start another year thinking of this. 

She responded *so surprised* and I realize I was coming to her a year later, but it was one instance when people get defensive because they were actually guilty. I felt it in my bones, you know what I mean? We haven’t been in contact since. And I wish her nothing but the best.

*UPDATE: After this essay was published, I received 2 private messages identifying the girl because they said it happened to them. VALIDATION! I’m not crazy! It shows to always trust your gut so you won’t get gas-lit as I did!

Can you relate? How did or would you handle the situation? Please share in the comments below!

If you liked this, you’d love the Diary of a Fish Wife!

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  1. Part of me thinks she was just awkward being the 3rd amongst a couple, but when she completely dismissed you that did it for me. Nope. Drop her. Good thing she got lost when it was time ti dance. I can only imagine how that would have turned out.

    Kay Marie

    • Kay Marie your comment gives me life! I struggled with what to do for over a year, and it was slowly killing my happiness. Can’t believe I let it get to me like that, but I’m not going to be hard on myself anymore. DONE. I haven’t spoken/texted with her in almost a year now. Before that, it was nearly a year. The last text she sent was: “I’m sorry you think I’m a terrible friend.” I’m like, Okayyyy…I did not respond. Since then, I’ve had several friends come to me in confidentiality, asking if it was a mutual friend, then revealing she did the same to them! VALIDATED! Though it sucks to be validated like that. Overall, I wish her the best and thank her for the great times. Time to move on. The friendship no longer sparks joy. 🙂 Thank you for the encouragement, Kay Marie. You are appreciated! <3

  2. I think you have to look at as her neediness, and lack of a compass for appropriate behavior. You’re an accomplished women on a higher level. Blow it off. Don’t let someone in that state impact your confidence.

    • Goldie, you’re right. If someone hurts you in any way, it’s really them who are hurting the most. It was a shock to the system at the moment it happened, especially since the weird energy was coming from a dear friend. Made me question myself. Thank you for your advice! And always, for your support! 🙂

  3. I would have definitely confronted her, but I would have done it the wrong way and said something sharp when it first happened. Obviously this isn’t the right way, so I probably would’ve found myself going back to apologize for how I said it, but not for what I said.
    I think you did the right thing, telling her. You spoke your peace and that’s all there is to it.

    • Hi Tyler! I can totally relate because when I actually say something to someone who riles me up, I usually come back with my tail between my legs and apologize. On the flip side, I struggle wishing I had said something when I didn’t. I’m glad I’m not alone in this – that happy place can be hard to find when it comes to communicating emotions in real time. Thank you for sharing your experience and thank you for your support! Also, I love your website. It’s gorgeous! Look forward to diving in and learning more about you!