Letter: My Fisherman Cheated and I Don’t Know What to Do
The following is a conversation from an Instagram DM and edited for clarity. Affiliate links are provided below.
This is hard, and I have not talked to anyone about this: my fisherman hooked up with a girl while at port, and he finally admitted it to me after I confronted him. We have known each other since we were 14 but only have been a couple for two years. I’m having the hardest time forgiving him and trusting him if and when he goes out again.
The affair started in August, and I KNEW the day he did it. I can’t describe the feeling, but something about that day made my heart drop. I knew he was in port; he had been for a few days. And when he got back home, he was extra attentive and loving. Then, it was all brought to light. He said he had been hooking up with her for months, “just her,” as if that’s better. The thing is, I think he would keep seeing this girl if he wasn’t caught.
“It didn’t mean anything,” he said. “She doesn’t mean anything. It’s just sex! I love you!”
To prove how sorry he is, he skipped this entire year of fishing, which is a huge gesture. What’s strange is that my boyfriend assumed I would hook up with my ex-husband while waiting for him to return. Before he left this last season, he told me it was okay. I was shocked. I told him I wouldn’t do that. His last girlfriend allowed this behavior, and I’m not sure how any woman turns a blind eye so that she can keep her man. I’d rather be heartbroken and alone. But I love him a lot.
I don’t need him, but I WANT him.
He knows I’ll leave him if he does it again. He knows I don’t believe in second chances, so he’s lucky to still be in my presence. I think about the changes and efforts I’ve seen in him, but I know that the actual test will be when he goes fishing again. Part of me wants to ask if I can go through his phone to see if he’s speaking to her or any other girl. I’m prepared to block him, vowing never to feel this way in the new year and to walk away if I do.
BTW, I shamelessly stalked her. I know her name, address, phone number, where she works and lives. To top it off, she’s 20 years younger!
Like I mentioned before, this is so hard because I love him.
Hurt and Heated
I am SO SORRY this happened, and I can’t imagine how you must feel. Thank you for sharing this painful secret. There are probably many other women in similar situations that feel the same as you.
I like how you said that you knew intuitively. That’s the superpower women have – our intuition! As much as we don’t want to listen at times, it’s the guiding force that will protect us and keep us safe throughout our lives.
On that note, if you were my sister or friend, I would tell you to run. That is a HUGE betrayal of trust that is hard to fix, but I know relationships are more complicated than that. If this happened to Chris and me, I’d leave his ass, but the truth is, I would feel heartbroken and torn as well. If I decided to work it out, my next step – besides freaking the f*ck out – would be finding a relationship counselor or therapist, and I would probably order several books (here & here) on infidelity, too.
I am not a professional so, besides referring you to watch Sex and the City: The Movie where Miranda and Steve go to a marriage counselor for this exact subject, have you thought about couples therapy? A third-party you can talk to, with and without your partner?
If therapy is not your thing, you have to “trust your gut.” It’s nice that you’re seeing efforts to win you back, but only you know what brings peace to your heart and trust back into the relationship. And speaking of peace, looking through your fisherman’s phone sounds exhausting and filled with anxiety. (Plus, anyone can erase text messages, so I’m not sure how reliable it would be.) Waiting until the new year to tally up your feelings sounds nice, but unfortunately, we don’t get a magical boost of clarity when the clock strikes twelve. It’s just another day. Since this happened in August, and it sounds like you’re still feeling torn, how long are you willing to suffer?
Again, I’m not a professional. I’m just being honest with you as I would with my sister, my friends, and myself. I am sending you lots of love as you figure out what best supports YOU and your future. Whatever you decide, I hope you find peace for your mending heart.
What advice would you offer our friend in need? Please share in the comments below!
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